wakingrl

I finally found this website again, and am going to give blogging and sharing another try.  My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and I’m finally ready to focus on me again.  My first goal is to cut out fast food.  Some days on my way home from work I will be so hungry or tired or stressed that I stop and grab a treat at McDonalds.  But it’s gotten to 2 to 3 times a week, which adds up for sure!  So I figure I can save significant feelings of guilt just by cutting that out.  Gonna give it a try to start and thought writing about it here would keep me motivated

So yesterday went surprisingly great!  I mean, I didn’t eat super healthy (my mom made me a sunflower butter sandwich before our bikeride cause i was starved, then took us out for dinner which was kinda healthy).  But I also didn’t binge…first time in a while.  I honestly feel like not eating in my room made a significant difference.  So now it is really important for me to continue this.  Here are just a couple reasons why I need to quit binging–>lost some of this weight (quitting binging is really the first step and will most likely lead to my weight loss):

 1. Trip to Breckenridge in January.  It would be great if I felt comfortable in a swimsuit so I could swim around and relax in the pool.

2. Visiting friend’s for Thanksgiving.  One of my old friends has recently lost >10 lbs!  So I want to look good and feel good when visiting.

3. Feel good every morning when waking up and going to bed.  Feeling strong.  Looking good in my clothes.

I am back after a year.  No progress, just new setting.  Going home for the summer did nothing, even though my parents are health nuts it almost made things worse.  Now I’m back at school and have an even greater stress load.  But that is no excuse for my binge eating.  To start small and go slow, here are my goals for now:

1. Try to eat out in the common area rather than in bedroom

2. Try to keep only fluids in bedroom, keep foods out in kitchen

3. Try buying only foods that are healthy and will fill me up without triggering a binge.

Heyooo.  this morning i had my usual oatmeal, but then was still pretty hungry before class so i had quite a bit of special k!  so the rest of the day i will take it easy.  here is what the rest of my day will look at since i’m pretty full!

 afternoon snack: apple and banana

evening: egg, veggieburger, milk, oatmeal if necessary

1. drink more milk

2. healthy snacks, of normal portions

3. no eating roomie’s food

4. make healthy dinners instead of snacking after class/work

5. no eating after 10 pm

today was a terribly busy day, AND i have 2 big midterms next week.  but i still managed to stay in control and concentrate on studying, with study breaks every once in a while to catch up on the hills from last night :)   when i felt like munching, i ate the almonds and carrots and celery my mom sent down to school with me.  they were sooooo good!  and i found time for a relaxing bikeride along the river, SO beautiful with the autumn leaves!  and so much more enjoyable when i haven’t binged right before biking…what a great feeling.  tomorrow i have a big mountain bike ride in between class and work, then have to study study STUDY!  but as long as i don’t stress out too much, then i will be able to relax and eat a normal meal.  also, if i stay motivated studying tomorrow, i get to go clubbing thursday night with the girlies!  AND wear my new shirt…i approve of that, what great motivation!

i am not too proud of myself after all.  that evening, i went NUTS and binged.  i just feel so lost.  i am able to exceed in everything else in life, but i feel like my weakness around food deflates my self-esteem soooo much.  i don’t feel in control, and i worry that others view me as weak because i obviously have a gut.  i feel less than a skinny person, but really all i want is to be fit.  i want to wake up in the morning and feel GOOD looking in the mirror, just knowing that the night before I DIDN’T BINGE!  today i will focus on TODAY.

today was binge free!!!!  probably the first day in a looooooong time.  my mom sent down lots of good fruit and healthy breads, and i was sure to eat once i felt hungry and not wait around for an hour or so.  i think that is the strategy i need to try out.  bring a larger lunch and snack to work and class so that i’m not STARVING when i get home.  also, keeping fruits that are really tasty like cantelope, watermelon, and grapes helps.  even tho they’re sugary, they are good for you and help my satiety.  so woohoo!  let’s do it again tomorrow!

also, i tried on my suit for my speech tomorrow…and i’ve definetly gained some weight over the past month.  even though it still fits and looks find, i can barely close the pants.  how embarrassing.  but i WILL lost that weight and more!

well yesterday went ok, i was super busy at school and work til around 5, then went biking with my bro and his friends.  but when i got back i really ate more than i should have, then decided to just keep going since i had already blown it.  hmmm.  i think that is part of my problem.  once i start, i don’t stop because i’ve already “ruined” the day.  but it’s about more than one day’s calories.  it’s the amount of calories total, whether that’s a week or the rest of my life.  so maybe that is something i can work on too: if i eat too much, it’s not too late to stop.

I have been struggling with my body image and eating habits for quite some time now.  I feel like it consumes my life and I use food as an escape from life stress.  I am soooo sick of it and want to change.  So I decided to take one day at a time, and just concentrate on my goals for that day.  I have recently decided to become a vegetarian (since I don’t eat much meat anyways), but continue eating dairy and fish prodcuts.  My mom and dad have recently lost some weight, and I think this greatly affects me because I never viewed them as overweight (they really weren’t, now they’re just skinny).  So I’d really like to do this for myself, and hopefully blogging will really help me get out these underlying feelings of my binge eating